Life Story

Before I emerge into the vast space of conscious thoughts I would like to discuss my awakening experience.

I was the first child in my family and while I was going through my earliest childhood at the beginning of the 90's my parents were faced with opportunities which led to an increasing wealth.

As a infant ofcourse I could not process this pleasant concept of becoming rich. I probably enjoyed sitting in luxurious cars and sleeping in a good quality bed but I'm sure I didn't comprehend this sudden change in my environment as being positive or negative. My earliest memories were of a tiny apartment on the second floor of an old two story building, as i took afternoon walks with my grandmother I would be so excited to greet other people in the corridors and on the streets. As I grew a bit older my parents had a second child and moved us to an eight stories private house which was constructed of one room per floor. My parents room was on the top floor and it looked out to the mountains(which we lived on) and the vast sea.

So now I lived with a younger brother who had a nanny that didn't like me playing with him. My father was often out doing business so I followed my mother everyday while she did her crazy shopping routines. I hear I was a pretty good kid. My results at school were always at the top and I had many hobbies and loved making friends. My father made sure we experienced life through travelling to a different country every year. During middle school my father retired and we moved to Brisbane Australia where my parents thought was a wonderful environment for me and my brother to grow up in. I enjoyed making new friends and adapting to a fresh place where there were lots to learn.

Then came highschool. All of a sudden I was forced to attend the best private all girls school against my will. My first day was horrible, I arrived at this frightening new place realising slowly that everyone had friends from their previous school except for me. No one made an effort to come and comfort me or make me feel welcome except for my new maths teacher who came to say hi(probably because I looked nervous as hell).

Beginning somewhere in highschool I became interested in boys. I lost a lot of weight and was starting to be conscious of my looks. My parents did not take this very pleasantly as they banned me from going out with friends(I could go out twice a year during school holidays, but only under their supervision where they made sure I was with female friends), catching public transport(which I hadn't done before) and talking on the phone. This is where my life started to get out of perspective.

I eventually made my life purpose to do what I wanted whether by lying to my parents or simply doing things when they are not aware. I was never single without a boyfriend and frequently skipped school and sneaked out at night to be with him. I lied about staying behind for school in order to hang out in the city with my friends for a few hours. One day I got caught for skipping school, my mother was contacted and she made up a lie about my father being violent(though he was to my brother) and practically begged them not to suspend me. The result was a Saturday detention and many session of counselling at school. My mother was diagnosed with early thyroid cancer some day following those events and my parents made sure I knew I was to blame. I didn't think it would affect me that much at the time, but I have always lived with this burden up until not too long ago.

I graduated with a sound grade and planned to attend university to do business(I don't know why, I guess it seemed an adult thing to do). I lost interested with the degree in second semester and changed to journalism. The other students' enthusiasm intimidated me and so I dropped the courses. I decided to work for a bit while I decided what course was right for me and ended up in a casual position at a beach jewellery store.

I had made a long term boyfriend(who was my best friend throughout highschool) by then and we saw each other nearly everyday. This guy used to drop pills to go clubbing and smoked weed frequently. He was two years older than me and was quite over clubbing by the time we got together. Being a curious child I have always wandered at the miraculous effects of drugs. My boyfriend finally gave in one day and that was the beginning to my out of control obsession.

I was 18 when I first used marijuana and ecstasy, which led me to experiment with LSD and mushrooms- nothing deadly. I attended a bachelor of science degree and a fashion design course in between two jobs which I had eventually dropped again. My relationship became rocky as I became sick of my boyfriend's constant marijuana use which I thought made him lazy. He had also deferred his university degree and was working at a call centre. I broke up with him one day after he lied to me over the same issues. One of his friends who I had become close to decided to look after me and eventually broke off his friendship with my ex. I was still going clubbing weekly accompanied by ecstasy and cocaine.

At the age of 20 I moved out of home because my mother could not sleep without the comfort of knowing I am home safe and sound and my father was worried it would take its toll on her cancer returning. My friend decided to move in with me and we grew to be like siblings. He gradually started controlling everything I do and although I didn't like it, I hadn't felt the need to take action just yet. One day I found out he was doing heroin on random occasions when we fought. I was eager to try it and after some refusal ritual he felt he had to perform he let me in. I eventually got close to the dealers and found out they didn't like my friend very much because he gave them bad attitude when he thought they were hitting on me. So that was that- I snapped at him one day and kicked him out of my life, which consisted of a two close highschool girlfriends, my cat(I was kicked out of home for a few months while my parents adjusted to the idea that i wanted a cat) and my dealer.

I was 21 that year, I spent Christmas and my birthday that summer alone at home(with my cat) in my own little heroin paradise. I made a few attempts to go cold turkey, but because I was unfamiliar with the post kicking affects I ended up falling back into that deadly cycle. I am lucky that I only smoked and not injected. I guess it was always at the back of my mind, that no matter how hard life became for me- financially and health-wise that I would never put a needle in my body because then there really is no going back.

I moved back home after 6months of using due to financial difficulties. My father found some used foil in my drawer one day and confronted me with it. I then went on a detox program of taking subutex pills everyday for a week, gradually decreasing in dosage to ween me off the withdrawals. One day while in bed I saw a red light from under my study table, I ignored it at first but ended up checking it out due to my curiosity. It was a security camera my father placed in order to supervise me. I was so hurt by that event I immediately took the camera outside and smashed it with a hammer and left it there. I stopped talking to my father. Then there was my parents plan to send me overseas with my mother for six months where I chose to learn painting and the original plan was for me to attend a study program in Provence, France but I knew i wasn't ready and wanted to return to Brisbane.

At the end of my days overseas there was a quarrel between me and my parents that destroyed my recovery. I had finished my painting lessons by then and my father and brother were visiting me abroad. We had dinner with a family friend and her son, which was my brother's best friend. He was slightly older than my brother and was keen to take us clubbing, though my brother was more interested in computer games as he was but 15 years old. So my brother's and I told our parents we were meeting with some of his friends for a movie and ended up going clubbing together. My parents found out about it after I returned home in the morning. They were not happy about it and accused me of leading kids to go to bad places and told me what am embarrassment I was.

Something happened to me at that point, something I still can't fully explain today but can understand it a bit better. I became disassociated with my body but not in a positive manner. It was like someone or something took over my mind and even up to now my memories of it is ate vague. I remember returning to the clubs alone as a reaction to my parents placing their burdens on me again. I made some new friends, some were good and most had motives behind their kindness. I got myself into a fight while standing up to a random guy who hit his girlfriend in front of me. His sister and him ended up bottling my head, which I had to get stitches for and have three scars on my head as a result. I also thought I fell in love with a Spanish guy who I slept with under the influence of cocaine and stayed at his house for a few days after. I became very hurt when he moved on to other girls and got over me, I reacted by trying to hurt those girls back and getting myself banned from the club. That's pretty much a brief summary of my road to hell and now I will talk about my way out from it.

So I came back to Brisbane after missing a few first class flights(which angered my parent's flight centre friends quite a bit). I returned to using the first day back and so I put myself on a long term treatment program, at least that way I'd know I won't be using again. I tried to make things up with my ex, who'd always been there for me no matter what but something changed this time. He became impatient and violent, we fought nearly everyday and I tried to end the relationship many times but he could not tell me he didn't love me anymore. I felt that I owed him a lot and tried to make up for it by letting him hurt me. I guess this is one main trigger to my realisation when I lost so much weight due to depression I began looking for solutions to my problems in books and the Internet. I stopped giving my ex a chance to hurt me and gave him a clear choice. It made him respect me more and although we are still friends today, I hardly see him and when we do I make sure it is pleasant and pure. I felt that finally I wanted to and had the chance to focus on something healthier for my body.

I started to immerse my days in books, and found myself learning about things and enjoying it. I loved reading(though I don't read many fiction books at all) as it took my mind off the disturbing memories of my previous experiences and directed me to a new path and purpose in life. One book in particular- A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle- changed my life for the better. I slowly felt myself being aware that there is another voice in me that knows what is truly right and wrong. Zhuangzi's teachings have also impacted me vastly through my realisation with the concept of Taoism. These teachings helped me understand different perspectives of life- whether from other people's points of views or even things and situations.

I also found a deep passion in astrology, natural medicine, collecting herbs and rare plants, aromatherapy, cooking, quantum physics(i studied maths and all sciences in highschool), biology and metalsmithing and painting. I am currently in second year university doing a bachelor of fine arts degree majoring in jewellery and small objects, minoring in painting. I hope to bring that consciousness I discovered to others. However I realised that naturally people don't like being told they a not living life in the healthiest form therefore it will get through to them if they are already searching or to inspire them to change. I want to achieve this inspiration by changing people's perspectives of already familiar feelings through art form.

I understand it is the present that matters the most, so presently I am a happy student achieving my dreams. However I know that I have yet to face my fear of substance dependency which I am slowly cutting down on my treatment doses. I am living at home with my mother, brother, two dogs and a cat. My father went overseas this summer, he had a fight with my mother and she seems to see a divorce taking place soon. I am working once a week at a voluntary pet adoption centre and am still close to my highschool girlfriend, though I lost one to a misunderstanding while I was living by myself.

It is not easy to attempt summing up your whole life to the present in a post but I have tried my best and I hope you enjoy reading it.

I will stop here as I have just typed a brief life story and my eyes are killing me as much as they are probably killing yours if you are still reading up to here. Thank you for opening your heart to my story and I hope we can exchange our experiences.